Demystifying Emotions
Let’s face it, we’re all experiencing a cocktail of emotions lately and it may be difficult for most of us to understand what we are feeling, let alone put words to it. When we don’t understand or we become overwhelmed by what we feel, we may ignore it, distract from it, try drowning it out or numbing, even trying to change the way we feel.
You may have noticed, it works for a little while, but the unfortunately reality is our efforts are short-lived. There’s a reason for that, which we will consider below.
First, let’s be clear on three things:
We need emotions. Not to be dramatic, but we would actually die without them. Our survival depends on our ability to feel things and act upon those feelings.
There is no right way to feel during this time in history or any other time for that matter.
Emotions are NOT facts. Instead, emotions get us to check out the facts. An example: I may feel scared after hearing a loud noise. The fear is telling me I could be in danger, not that I actually am, so I should check it out. As I do, I may realize my pet knocked a glass of water over (I am not in danger) or that someone broke in to my place (I am in danger), and then I can respond accordingly.
Emotions provide information that communicates to me and others and motivates action. Think about a feeling as data that you interact with to make a sound decision in light of the circumstances and your goals.
Now, let’s consider what all of this means by taking a closer look at the core emotions—their function and a typical behavioral response to each one (according to DBT).
Fear
Function: Fear tells us there could be danger, so it functions to keep us safe.
Example: I spotted a mountain lion in my neighborhood while I was walking my dog. (I and my dog could be in danger of being attacked).
Behavior: Run or hide from the danger.
Anger
Function: Anger tells us there is a perceived injustice – whether an important goal of mine has been blocked or I or someone I care about has been threatened or hurt.
Example: I feel angry because my brother was picked on by a peer.
Behavior: Attack or threaten
Sadness
Function: Sadness tells us we have lost something or someone that is important to us or things didn’t turn out the way we want. Sadness gets us to take inventory of what is important to us. An interesting aspect of this is that it functions to bring people around us to help us reflect on what is important, but most tend to isolate which may increase the intensity of the sadness.
Example: COVID-19, so many missed opportunities and missing loved ones.
Behavior: Grieve, avoid, isolate, reflect
Guilt
Function: we feel guilt when we have done something wrong--something that goes against our values or morals. Guilt gives us boundaries for our behavior.
Example: I feel guilty for not calling you yesterday like I said I would. (Which tells me it’s important that I follow through with my word).
Behavior: Apologize or make it right with the person we have wronged.
Shame:
Function: It’s important to note that the definition of shame depends on your source. The DBT definition understands shame to be a social emotion and tells us about social norms. The root of it is “I’m afraid if people know this about me, they would reject me.” From this definition, shame can also include guilt or not. The definition made popular by Brené Brown is shame translates to “I am wrong;” That there is something wrong in me, with me. It’s a broad character flaw. Shame and guilt can coexist or exist separately.
Example: I may feel shame if you find out I did not shower for 16 days while backpacking through Wyoming, because I am afraid that you might think that’s gross and therefore think less of me. However, I did not feel shame on the trip because it was the social norm. Guilt would not apply here because I didn’t do anything against my own morals or values in those circumstances.
Behavior: Hide the shameful belief, habit or behavior to preserve social standing.
Disgust
Function: Disgust is an emotion that is geared toward protecting us from something that could contaminate us (people and things).
Example: I feel disgust by the smell of spoiled milk.
Behavior: We tend to move away from the object of disgust.
Envy
Function: Envy is an emotion we feel when you have something I want but don’t have.
Example: I’m envious of the new phone you got.
Behavior: Envy biologically speaking helps us work toward the thing we want, but it is often “corrosive” as Marsha Linehan says, and tends to lead to bitterness.
Jealousy
Function: Jealousy is essentially “I have something and I’m afraid you will take it from me.”
Example: We are both friends with Karen. I learn that you and Karen are spending time together without me and I’m afraid Karen will like you more and I may lose my friendship with one or both of you.
Behavior: Protect, hoard
Love
Function: Love is strong feelings toward a person or object and it functions to enhance our quality of life and motivate us toward attaining goals.
Example: I love my dog and life is better because of him.
Behavior: Love gets us to move closer to the person or object we love.
Now that we have a basic understand of each of the core emotions, here are three steps to understanding and coping with your emotions in the moment:
1. Identify and label the feeling.
Simply naming the emotion has a way of decreasing their intensity and research shows it decreases activity in the amygdala.
For a lot of us, this is more difficult than it sounds, especially if we aren’t used to it, so here are a couple of tips:
2. Pause while trying to figure out what the emotion is trying to tell you. Feel free to familiarize yourself with the function of each emotion as described above.
3. Consider the action you want to take. Are there other options? Which one is likely to meet the your goal? (Note: sometimes, we don’t have time to think through these when our emotions are getting us to take action, this is where they come into play for survival. If a tornado is coming, I want to rely on my nervous system to get me to take cover instead of using my brain to ponder what to do. However, sometimes we respond to our emotions in ways that hurt us or others and it would behoove us to slow down a bit—which mindfulness helps with—and consider these steps).
Finally, it can be helpful to seek help of a trained therapist as you seek to understand your own emotions and respond effectively. If I can help connect you with someone, please reach out on the connect page.